Yes, there have been many arguments over the years .There have been many, many, many disagreements.
This was the first one.
I had just had my Nikkah(Islamic marriage) and registration. I invited my husband over to my house for dinner as it was my mums birthday (We didn’t move in straight away check my earlier post : How I got married)
I was excited, I had just gotten married which although I wasn’t too pleased about, but I finally felt someone had my back.
I remembered when my brother and sister first got married. They were invited for several dinners etc..
It was almost dinner time and we were in the dining room. My brother, brother in law and my husband sat down at the table. My sister was with her kids, my mum was in the kitchen and my sister in law was in the bedroom I think.
I sat down at the table the seat closest to my husband.
I had just sat down when out of no where my brother completely switched.
“Why are you sat here?”
It took me by surprise.
I replied it was dinner time and I was going to eat with my new husband.
He replied with
“No! Do you see my wife here? Do you see your sister here? The men can eat first”
I responded by saying I thought it might be different as I was newly wed and when they got married they were allowed to eat with their partners. I also explained that my sister was busy and sister in law was in the bedroom.
He went on and on. He felt disrespected I had spoken back. I should have more respect for him and his wife etc
I just put my spoon down and said fine. My husband put his spoon down too.
“I’ll eat when she does”
My brother didn’t respond to well to that.
He explained that the men should eat first and that he needs to listen to him.
My husband just flat out refused. My mum got involved, my sister got Involved, by now my sister in law had appeared and she got involved. It was all so messy over something so small.
After a while I was allowed to just eat. I quickly ate, I didn’t even feel hungry anymore.
After dinner once everything was cleaned etc, I went to another room where I was sat with my husband. He could clearly see I was upset about what had happened.He excused himself and a few minutes later I heard some shouting from the other room. What now?
I walked into the room and my husband and brother were screaming and shouting. What had happened?
My family kept shouting that my husband was rude and started on my brother. But it didn’t add up.
I asked my husband to come to the other room and asked him what happened.
He said:
“I went to your brothers room where he was playing on his Xbox with your brother in law. I could see you were upset so I went to speak to your brother. I went into the room and all I said was I didn’t like how you spoke to my wife. He replied that’s my sister. I replied well she’s my wife and I don’t like how you spoke to her. Your brother jumped up from where he was sat ready to fight. He said you don’t know the people I know. It kicked off from there”
I could hear my brother going ballistic in the background, everyone getting involved again. So I just told my husband to go. I didn’t want anymore arguments.
When my husband left, you can imagine how was treated by my family. They kept going on and on that it was my husbands fault and he should not of said anything to my brother. He had disrespected my brother again. It went on for days and days. My mum cried and said my husband had ruined her birthday. She still sided with my brother. Could she still not see that he was in the wrong and all my husband was doing was finally standing up for me?
My brother was leaving to go abroad to visit his in-laws. My mum had told me that my husband was not allowed in her home again as he had disrespected her and especially my brother. After begging my husband he apologised just so I could have some mental peace at home. Even though I stand by this- it wasn’t his fault.
What I should have done was leave. I should have left that day with my husband. All he did was try and protect me and stand up for me. Why did my family have such a hold on me? Why couldn’t I see just how bad and controlling they were?
There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had been stronger. But In reality, after years and years of mental and physical abuse, blackmail, being raped and not supported. I was such a broken person. I was weak and I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself.
It’s taken such a long time for me to be in the place I am today.
It’s so difficult to live life with no help or support from anyone. But I’d rather have no help and support than be controlled, manipulated and hurt over and over.
Simply Benish 