Original Message:
“I’m 20, from a Pakistani culture and was sexually assaulted over a year ago by my sister’s husband. My immediate family all know about it, but I get no support from them. My sister knows about it, but is still married to him. I have said that being around him affects my mental health, but my sister still brings him with her even when she knows I’ll be there.
In a heated discussion one day, my sister even went to the extent of accusing me, she said I lied and made it up because I’m jealous of her life and even if it were true it was probably my fault as I probably seduced him. My mum was there and she didn’t defend me, she just stood there nodding in agreement.
I didn’t press charges is because she stayed with him and because I felt so much pressure from my family not too. They didn’t want my sisters marriage ruined, they didn’t want people saying I was a w***e who had slept with her brother-in-law.
I did get therapy, but what’s the point when he’s always around and I don’t have a good support network except for my best friend. I still get flash backs, I’m not over it.
I think I need to move away and get away from all this.
What should I do? Please help me. You can post this but please keep me anonymous.”
-Anon, 20, U.K
Response:
Its disgusting that even today, living in the U.K, raising our children in a country where women are entitled to rights some families oppress their children, in this case a daughter.
It’s shocking that where a man, married and to your sister, sexually assaults you but he doesn’t suffer from any consequences.
I don’t like to admit this but it is not uncommon for the perpetrator of a crime to carry on and do this to other people.
If leaving home would give you more peace of mind and you are able to move into a safe place then do it. Your family seem to be unsupportive and blinded by cultural values.
In a better conclusion to this, it should be your brother-in-law leaving not you.
Families should always support their children, but in your sisters circumstance deep down even if she does believe you she will hear a conflicting version of what happened from her husband.
Unfortunately, we still live in a culturally driven society where its frowned upon for girls to be ‘divorced’ or for girls ‘not to be virgins’. You’re parents probably fear the backlash they would receive from the community, how would they explain it?
I think you need to look beyond culture, I know you are thinking about your family but when something like this happens and your family clearly show little or no support you need to help yourself. This is the only way we will break cultural stereotypes and help ourselves at the same time.
It feels that by reading your message, you didn’t report what happened based on your families influence?
Is there anyway you would look to ever getting justice and reporting him? He has committed a serious crime. Please read the Sexual Offences Act (2003) It is never too late to report a crime.
I’m glad you have a great friend who has been there for you and well done for getting counselling, but if you are still getting flashbacks and feel you need further support please go back to your doctor and or counsellor.
If you do need any further help or advice please visit Rape Crisis rapecrisis.org.uk
Simply Benish 