Although I have put a blog post about this.
I’m also saving it as a page as it keeps getting lost in my other posts.
When I was 12 I went to Saudi Arabia with my family. Whilst we were there one of the places we visited was the “Gare Hira” which was a mountain.
My mum went back to the hotel and I stayed with my brother and sister and the rest of the tourist group and guide.
My brother at the time would have been 19/20 my sister would have been 17/18. As we started to climb the mountain I started to feel very unwell. Really sick. Very breathless. I soon regretted deciding to climb the mountain. It was around evening time as it was getting dark. I told my sister I couldn’t do it and I needed to stop as I was feeling so unwell. I remember her exact words “you will not ruin this for me” she and my brother decided to continue without me. They left me and the whole group left me, a 12 year old on a mountain in the dark.
I could hear their voices as they continued up they mountain. When I say mountain I mean Rocky Mountain, but it wasn’t something you needed equipment to climb. They had kind of cleared the path and made large stone steps and marked the route by painting some blocks white.
Anyways after a while it became completely pitch black and I also started to feel better. At this point I couldn’t see or hear anyone from the group I was completely alone. I decided to start walking up. I got a bit lost and confused at one point. I didn’t know which way to go, there was a painted rock and I didn’t know if I had to go right or left. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around and there was a man there. He must of been in his 20’s wearing a red checkered shirt. He asked me if I was lost, I think he was Pakistani too as he was speaking it, could of been from Bangladesh too but I’m not sure. He asked if I was lost and if I needed help or directions. I was so relieved that someone was there and wanted to help. He pointed me in the right direction. I started to go up the steps and he quickly walking right behind me. He looped his hand into mine and I backed off and said “no no no”. He pushed me down really hard and I could feel the dirt and ruble under me . He was on top of me trying to kiss me everywhere. I couldn’t move I remember just moving my head right and left and right and left. I don’t really remember much after that I kind of blacked out I think. I do remember him stopping and looking up at the mountain and he panicked and ran off.
I just stood up and ran up the steps. I could feel the rocks and dust on my foot as I had lost a slipper during the attack. I didn’t go back for it. What if he was there? What if he came back up?
I kept running up and up and again I got lost the way the rocks were painted confused me. So I sat there and thought. What do I do? I remembered growing up and watching shows with my family about when women were raped that they should kill themselve as they would be shamed and also bring shame to the family. I was in a perfect place I could jump and that would be the end of it. I tried. I tried to do it a few times but I just couldn’t do it. Each time I was near the edge of the rocks looking down. I got myself ready knees bent and arms ready to jump and leap but I could only move a little. I couldn’t do it no matter how much I tried. So I just sat on the step. I worried about my lost slipper. I worried about the attacker coming back. My mind was just all over the place. It was pitch black I can’t describe how dark it was and how scared I was all alone on the mountain. I could hear the Azaan and I realised it must be isha time (the last prayer of the day) so it was pretty late. I just listened and it sounded so eerie. Everything was so silent but I could hear the Azaan call as it was always done openly so people knew it was time to pray. I just sat there. I just didn’t know what to do or how to go up or what.
I don’t know how long after that but 2 men were walking up the steps. They stopped and I remember I had my wallet on me with a loop it was looped onto my wrist. I hid it what if they wanted to hurt me? What if they wanted money?
They both stopped they were carrying boxes. One of them started talking he must of been Pakistani as he was talking in Urdu. He said I shouldn’t be here alone and that it wasn’t safe. I said I’m just waiting for the group but he was adamant I wasn’t safe here. He said he had a small stall/shop at the top that’s why he was carrying cases. He took a box off his shoulder and ripped the box open and pulled out a bottle of water. He handed it to me. I said I would pay him but I didn’t have money and would get it from my brother. He told me not to worry. I think he knew something happened. My slipper was missing and I know he saw but he didn’t say anything. A few minutes later I could hear voices in the distance it was my tourist group. I thanked him and he went up. I saw the group and my sister.
At first I said I was fine and that I had lost my slipper but I couldn’t keep it in. “I’m not going to be the same again” I remember saying that tinny sister who immediately stopped and started shouting “what do you mean?” Everyone in the group could hear and I just froze I didn’t want everyone knowing but she was just so loud. “Did some one do something to you?” I nodded and she just started shouting so loud “my sisters been raped my sisters been raped” I didn’t want that. My brother who was walking ahead of the men assumed it was the shop keeper and started to go back up the mountain and that’s the only time I could raise my voice enough to stop him. I couldn’t let my brother confront an innocent man who had actually stopped to help me.
I remember the rest of the journey back down as a daze. Everyone knew all those people judging me knowing what had happened. There was one woman who walked beside me. She kept asking me where I had been touched. What he did. She said I was going to be ok. That she had been through this. That her uncle used to touch her and no one believed her. I know she was trying to make me feel better but I didn’t want to hear that. Even when we made it back to ground and waited for the coach I waited in silence. We found another random slipper someone else had lost it was the wrong colour, size and foot but I squeezed it on. I wondered if that slipper had belonged to someone who had been attacked like me.
When we came back to the hotel, the tour guide who we had booked the whole trip with told us to come to his room with our mum who was waiting for us at the hotel. He told my mum what had happened. The tour guide explained we could go to the police but then I would be dragged into it and punished for doing things outside of marriage. Or at the very least nothing would happen. I didn’t even have an option my mum decided for me. Keep quiet. He
My mum didn’t say much and we went back to the room.
When we got back all hell let lose. She was shouting and screaming st me. It was all my fault for going with my brother and sister and not back to the hotel with her. I tried to explain that I didn’t exactly disobey her she allowed me to go. She blamed my sister and said it was her fault for leaving me alone. She blamed me and said it was all completely my fault.She didn’t blame my brother.
My mum couldn’t look at me except with disgust.
I had a shower. I took my clothes off and I could see the bottom had been ripped right down there. Even the shorts I wore underneath had been ripped. I never wanted to wear these clothes again. I had a shower. I felt so dirty.
Normally I would have shared my bed with my mum but She wouldn’t share the bed with me. Instead i slept next to my sister. I kept waking up panicked. I couldn’t even get out of bed and walk the few steps to get water
The next day or so I got my period. My mum was just so happy as it meant I wasn’t pregnant.
Since that day it all changed for me. My life was much worse. I was aforbidden to ever mention what had happened to anyone. When I got back I was meant to act normal, go back to school to everything like it was before.
Any time I would challenge my family even over the most basic things like if I was asked to do something for my mum like go and get ready to see a relative and I said “I’ll do it in a minute or later” my brother and mum would immediately say ” remember what happens when you don’t do as you are told” I said o don’t know “my brother said remember Saudi, that was your fault it happened because you didn’t listen and you didn’t go to the hotel with mum” maybe it was just me but I remembered it differently. I remember me saying I wanted to go and my mum saying are you sure? Ok then you go. She didn’t put her foot down, she didn’t forbid me not to go, I didn’t disobey any instructions. Anyways this was my life ro then on, any excuse big or small Saudi was bought up to emotionally blackmail me.
Now looking back my mum should have taken me to the GP just to get checked atleast for any STI or whatever. But even my GP didn’t know. Up until the day I got married my mum would come to every GP appointment with me even as an adult.
Years later I found out that my brother had told people about what had happened to me and even my sister did. I was really upset about that as I was never allowed to get help or talk to someone about it yet it didn’t happen to them and they could talk to their friends about it.
I blame my mum for blaming me and saying it was my fault, I blame my brother and sister for leaving me there on the mountain alone, I blame my brother for mentally and emotionally abusing me afterwards. I blame the tour guide as he should of been in charge. Yet to this day I am to blame.
Simply Benish 